Crank
Mail #1: The Ballad of Badaaaaass Billy Macdowell, Part
One
(Part
Two)
It
started innocently enough. A simple request for a link.
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Add a link
Would you consider my site? http://www.voai.org.
Bill Macdowell Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell
I
checked out his site and
to my dismay, discovered it be rabidly anti-alcohol.
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
Consider you site for what? A scathing article? You are the enemy, sir!
Bill's
response was swift and a little kooky.
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link
I thought you would get a charge out of the request. "Drunk" being
a behavior...you and the rest of your staff need a lot of therapy for putting
out a magazine like "Modern Drunkard."
Ah!
The Seek Therapy Gambit! I instantly understood that Bill
was someone to be reckoned with. I was a little busy,
so I lazily fell back on the classic You Remind Me of
Hitler Defense.
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
You need to have a drink and lighten up. I’ll bet you think Winston Churchill
and FDR should have went to therapy (both heavy drinkers) while Adolph (a teetotaler
such as yourself) was perfectly fine. Good thing people like you weren’t
around during WWII, eh, Helmut?
Let me see, is there a place on earth where your policies are in effect? Oh,
yeah, the Middle East. You should take a trip there and see what it’s
like. You might like it.
Frank
Which
served to rile Bill up. He immediately committed to a
three-pronged attack, namely: 1) assaulting my assumed
religion/ethnicity, 2) launching a potentially devastating
boycott of MDM and 3) the brandishing of gruesome photos.
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link
Frank Kelly Rich: Probally a (CIA) Catholic Irish Drunk
1st check my story concerning teetotalers "Bill's Story". I've included
some PR for your magazine. Check my site again towards the bottom. I've also
sent pages of your porn to the newspapers that gave you space. I hope you appreciate
it. I will continue to give you the proper PR you deserve in the future. When
one of your loved ones becomes the below, maybe you will think twice about "drunks".
Bill
TO THE PARENTS: ARE YOU A ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR KIDS. HOW MUCH ARE YOU DRINKING?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE DOING? PROBALLY NOT!!
WagonerDenise
Before DUI Crash
After
(I
removed the rather gruesome photos of a mutilated woman's
face. If you ask him, I'm certain he'd be more than happy
to send them to you.)
Very
excited about my promised free publicity, I dashed to
his website to find this passionate and slightly deranged
screed freshly added:
"MODERN
DRUNKARD" (FRANK KELLY RICH, EDITOR), IS THE SICKEST
OF THE SICKEST XXXXPORN, ANTI-ALCOHOL ACTIVIST MAGAZINES.
IT RIDICULES MADD (MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING) HERE'S
A PORTION OF AN ARTICLE:
...You know who. It’s those goddamn Mothers. The multi-million dollar
corporation known as MADD has done more to erode civil liberties in this country
than all the terrorist attacks in the world. And they’re not done. Not
by half.
Faced with declining profits and waning public interest, MADD has launched a
new campaign called Getting MADD All Over Again. Since they’ve accomplished
all their early objectives, what’s on their agenda this time? Plenty.
Here's a taste of some of their new goals:...CLICK ABOVE TO READ MORE ABOUT
MADD FROM THE DENVER POST
MORE ABOUT MADD: MADD Chapter Founder Arrested
BOYCOTT THIS MAGAZINE!!! IT'S A PERFECT REPRESENTATION FOR THE ALCOHOL BEVERAGE
INDUSTRY TO COVERTLY PROMOTE, SUPPORT AND SUBSIDIZE THIS RAG TO HIGH SCHOOL
AND COLLEGE STUDENTS. PORN SELLS AND THE ABI KNOWS IT!!!
That’s
right, motherfuckers! I am the King of the Sickest of
the Sickest XXXXporn! All pretenders must doff their
fake XXXXporn crowns to me!
It’s
kind of funny that he’s asking fanatical AAers to
boycott a magazine called Modern Drunkard. It’s
like telling lesbians to forgo Playgirl. Billy boy, If
they’re reading the mag, they’re most likely
already lost to you.
Invigorated,
I responded with the Medical Science Says You're a Filthy
Murderer Ploy.
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
Hey
Pal, 87% of fatal crashes are caused by sober drivers.
Would you like some pictures sent your way?
How about pictures of the half a million heart attacks
that occur each year that could have been prevented by
moderate drinking? How many innocents must die before
you realize your wrong-headed propaganda is slaying thousands?
Live with the fact you’re going to kill ten times
more than you’ll save.
Frank
When
I got the next email I knew it was in for a real brawl.
Bill was obviously not one of your run-of-the-mill cranks.
Bill is a Super Duper Proactive Crank. With power-ups!
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link
Corrections:
Made some changes to my PR for you. CIA- Catholic Irish
Alcoholic (not drunk). FDR and Winston Churchill both
needed therapy. So does this President.
QUESTION:
1- WHAT TWO (2) AMERICAN PRESIDENTS, AND A GOVERNOR, HAVE AS A SON IN LAW, AND
BROTHER IN LAW, A TOP LOBBYIST AND CEO/PRESIDENT FOR MANUFACTURER'S OF WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION?
2- WHICH PRESIDENT, ALLEGEDLY AN ALCOHOLIC, HAS AN "EGO" PROBLEM?
ONE MAJOR SOLUTION TO ALCOHOL ADDICTION IS "EGO DEFLATION AT DEPTH."
ANSWER: REVIEW CONTENTS OF "GOD'S LINCHPIN"
Here's a kick in the ass for you Frank. I was in the Middle East. Saudi Arabia.
Drunk as a skunk for the first time. Sober the 2nd time. I've l;ived and worked
in SA, Israel, and Spain. Also traveled extensively throughout all of the Middle
East. Read Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell.
If your magazine was in your possession and the arabs found it...prison for
you. In fact I'm going to send an e-mail to all arab media with your name and
name of your magazine. If I were you I wouldn't be thinking of a trip to the
Middle East soon.
I also saw a head come off and two hands chopped off in Riyadh SA. They call
it "chop square."
My
1st wife's father died of alcoholism and so did my present
wife die of same. Some day you and your cronies will show
up in the obituaries.
Actually, for the most part, your drunks and staff (?) have had Mary Poppins
lives compared to ours...the sober ones.
I'm also going to send a message to all the ABI manufactures about your mag.
They should get a kick out of it and their interest in it.
Think your the only one who knows how to play the game mental gymnastics? Think
again pard. And yes, I represented one the largest electrical construction companys
in Denver (Sturgeon Electric). Know the place well.
Let's keep in touch...like pen pals. Unlike MADD, I love confrontation! By the
way Frank, I don't think much of MADD either. Click The Founder of MADD uses
and capitalizes with her daughter's death by a drunk driver and takes $180,000
from Anheuser-Busch for personal gain and fame
Bill
Womp!
My entire lifestyle was under dire assault! I had to counterattack
quickly or all would be lost. I sent his email back accompanied
with pithy comments.
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Sent: Saturday, January 03, 2004 6:36 PM
Subject: RE: Add a link
Corrections: Made some changes to my PR for you.
CIA- Catholic Irish Alcoholic (not drunk). FDR and Winston
Churchill both needed therapy. So does this President.
If it was up to people like you, we’d be speaking German right now. And
what’s with all the anti-Irish anti-Catholic remarks? Why are you cranks
always bigoted?
QUESTION:
1- WHAT TWO (2) AMERICAN PRESIDENTS, AND A GOVERNOR, HAVE AS A SON IN LAW, AND
BROTHER IN LAW, A TOP LOBBYIST AND CEO/PRESIDENT FOR MANUFACTURER'S OF WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION?
2- WHICH PRESIDENT, ALLEGEDLY AN ALCOHOLIC, HAS AN "EGO" PROBLEM?
ONE MAJOR SOLUTION TO ALCOHOL ADDICTION IS "EGO DEFLATION AT DEPTH."
ANSWER: REVIEW CONTENTS OF "GOD'S LINCHPIN"
You think I have time for your goddamn quizzes? I’m
a busy man. I have booze to drink.
Here's a kick in the ass for you Frank. I was in the Middle East. Saudi
Arabia. Drunk as a skunk for the first time. Sober the 2nd time. I've l;ived
and worked in SA, Israel, and Spain. Also traveled extensively throughout all
of the Middle East. Read Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell.
If your magazine was in your possession and the arabs found it...prison for
you. In fact I'm going to send an e-mail to all arab media with your name and
name of your magazine. If I were you I wouldn't be thinking of a trip to the
Middle East soon.
I also saw a head come off and two hands chopped off in Riyadh SA. They call
it "chop square."
That’s why I live in America. I was saying, YOU should move to the Middle
East. I’m sure they love you there. And I hear Osama is hiring. See, that’s
the difference. You could join his organization. I can’t (the booze thing).
My 1st wife's father died of alcoholism and so did my present
wife die of same. Some day you and your cronies will show up in the obituaries.
Guess what? So will you. Before us. Churchill lived to be 90. Think you’ll
live that long? You teetotalers always die first. Even hard drinkers outlive
teetotalers. Moderate drinkers will outlive you by 3 to 10 years. Years you
want to take away from them. Why Bill?
Actually, for the most part, your drunks and staff (?) have
had Mary Poppins lives compared to ours...the sober ones.
How the hell would you know that? What are you and your staff (?) doing that’s
so tough? Forcing down a hundred donuts a day? Some day you’re going to
be in the obituaries, you know.
I'm also going to send a message to all the ABI manufactures
about your mag. They should get a kick out of it and their interest in
it.
I’ll print our exchange in the magazine and on the website. I’m
sure your Catholic and Irish members (?) will get a kick out your cheap prejudices.
Think your the only one who knows how to play the game mental
gymnastics? Think again pard. And yes, I represented one the largest electrical
construction companys in Denver (Sturgeon Electric). Know the place well.
You need to get back in the gym. Woo-hoo! You lived in Denver. You want a medal
or something?
Let's keep in touch...like pen pals. Unlike MADD, I love confrontation!
By the way Frank, I don't think much of MADD either. Click The Founder
of MADD uses and capitalizes with her daughter's death by a drunk driver
and takes $180,000 from Anheuser-Busch for personal gain and fame
The founder of MADD, Candy Lightner, had turned against the organization and
people like you because you’re wrong-headed anti-freedom fanatics.
Stay in touch!
Frank
After
I sent that, I felt a little dirty. I'd let him get my
goat. He was using his wiles to drag me into his cruel
pit. I resolved to behave in a more professional fashion.
Sorta.
Bill,
on the other hand, rolled out the clever I Happen to Know
Some of The People I'm Prejudiced Against So I Can't Be
Prejudiced Maneuver.
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link
The
Irish AAs call themselves CIAs and they are proud that
drunkards are a product of the Irish disease. Personally
most people in AA dislike titles and wish they would stop
bragging about the Irish being the lushes that they are.
My present wife and 1st wife are both Irish Catholics.
I happen to be a born Protestant, Norwegian and Scot.
I love the Irish. My seven children are part Irish. They
are proud to be Irish. But it's micks like you that make
the Irish ashamed to be Irish. Your from the bottom of
the barrel like the drunks you portray on your site.You
know Frank, I have probally spilled more in my drinking
years than you have drunk in your life. Like I said, you
probally have led a Mary Poppins life, never served our
country, haven't seen the inside of prison, been in the
various nut houses, lost a family, had DUI/DWIs, and any
of the good stuff we in AA have experienced. In fact,
you are a pretty sick cat that needs mucho therapy, long
term therapy at that. Maybe I can help you. Did you notice
that I'm a counselor also?
Yes,
I did notice Bill was a counselor. Still, I couldn't
resist getting back in the pit with this masterful mental
gymnist.
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
The
Irish AAs call themselves CIAs and they are proud that
drunkards are a product of the Irish disease.
Irish disease? Which disease would you be talking about, Bill?
Personally
most people in AA dislike titles and wish they would stop
bragging about the Irish being the lushes that they are.
My present wife and 1st wife are both Irish Catholics.
I happen to be a born Protestant, Norwegian and Scot.
I love the Irish. My seven children are part Irish. They
are proud to be Irish. But it's micks like you that make
the Irish ashamed to be Irish.
Why the devil do you think I’m Irish? Because I drink? Do you really think
the Irish are the only ones who drink? You seem to live in nasty little world
of swirling stereotypes.
Your
from the bottom of the barrel like the drunks you portray
on your site.
Oh, you mean drunks like, FDR, Churchill, Sinatra, Gleason, JFK, Hemingway,
Faulkner—in fact almost every great writer, artist, Captain of industry
and statesman. Every mover and shaker in society was a drunk. Except Hitler.
He was a teetotaler like you.
You
know Frank, I have probally spilled more in my drinking
years than you have drunk in your life.
That is a lie. Every one of you failed drunks likes to say that. You guys can’t
hold your liquor. That’s why you keep spilling it. See, your supposed
to drink it.
Like
I said, you probally have led a Mary Poppins life, never
served our country, haven't seen the inside of prison,
been in the various nut houses, lost a family, had DUI/DWIs,
and any of the good stuff we in AA have experienced.
I served as an Army Ranger in Grenada. Half the staff are veterans. I’ve
never had a DUI because I’m not dumb enough to get drunk and drive. I’ve
never been to prison because I’m not a criminal. Is being a criminal a
badge of honor among your gang? Sad, Bill, just sad.
In
fact, you are a pretty sick cat that needs mucho therapy,
long term therapy at that. Maybe I can help you. Did you
notice that I'm a counselor also?
Therapy, that’s all you poor bastards understand. You remind me of Oprah:
Seek therapy! That’ll solve your problems! Bullshit. You seem to think
you need therapy and maybe it’s a good thing you’re getting it.
But why must you drag the rest of us into your miserable pit of self-loathing?
We’re happy and healthy cornerstones of society. And maybe, someday you
will be to. Though I’m not betting on it.
Best,
Frank
Bill's
swift reply seemed aimed at my idea that drunks can be
cornerstones of society.
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link
Being
drunks!
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
Yes!
I’m drunk right now! And it’s excellent!
Hey,
I have an idea, Bill. Let us interview you. It’ll
be great. I’m concerned some of our readers might
be, well, uncertain about their standing in the world
of drunks. Maybe your sage advice could give them, you
know, a way out. We could do it tomorrow via the internet
or over the phone. What say you, Bill?
Regards,
Frank
It
was going to be fantastic. If I could get this guy on
the phone I would be in possession of one of the greatest
comedy events of the new century. Please, Bill, please
say--
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link
Frank:
I just don't trust a drunk. You can print any of my e-mails as long as you print
yours. No hard feelings Frank. Why don't you buy my book? It's only twelve
bucks and you can print anything you want on your site as long as I get the
credits. Remember, I have given you some free advertising which should bring
you many $$$.
Bill
Nooooooooo!
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
I
just don't trust a drunk.
That’s kind of funny, because John Wayne used to same the same thing about
you guys. “Never trust a man who doesn’t drink,” he would
say. Mr Crumley put it even better, he said:
"Son," he
said without preamble, "never trust a man who doesn't
drink because he's probably a self-righteous sort, a
man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time.
Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness,
they cause most of the suffering in the world. They're
the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man
who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They're usually
afraid of something deep down inside, either that they're
a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can't trust
a man who's afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you
can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet.
The chances are that he is learning something about humility
and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive
himself. It's damned hard for a man to take himself too
seriously when he's heaving his guts into a dirty toilet
bowl."
Anyhoo,
it’s a shame you won’t do the interview.
I do admit I was being a little disingenuous. While I did want
you to reach out to the borderline drunks in our ranks,
it was only so we could identify and root out the traitors.
And you know what happens to traitors, eh Bill? Also,
I was hoping you would force your members (?) to read
the article, and we’d reach out to a few
of them, if you know what I mean. I see those guys around
sometimes, and a lot of them seem right on the edge of
slipping over the edge. And you know the edge I’m
talking about, Bill. The one that overlooks a big huge
lake of booze.
Hey,
you’re not afraid to do interview because you
think I’d try to use some sort of creepy mind
control tricks to make you start drinking again, are
you? Because I am a professional journalist and would
not stoop to that kind of behavior. Least not right
off the bat. First we’d get all chummy and I’d
pitch you some nice slow soft balls, then I’d
start saying stuff like, “Hey, wouldn’t
a nice gin and tonic taste pretty good right now?” Then
later I’d slip in, “Man, that was a crazy
good answer, Bill! Let’s have a jolt of Jack to
celebrate!” Do you think that would work? Because
I like you Bill, and I want you back on the team. Think
of all the crazy drunken times we would have! Woo-hoo!
You
can print any of my e-mails as long as you print yours.
I will do that. Thank you, Bill.
No
hard feelings Frank.
Me neither! Let’s have a drink to celebrate!
Why
don't you buy my book?
Can I pay you in liquor? Because that seems to be what all my money keeps turning
into.
It's
only twelve bucks and you can print anything you want
on your site as long as I get the credits.
You will get mad credits, holmes.
Remember,
I have given you some free advertising which should bring
you many $$$.
Seriously? That would be awesome! If you could see our bar tabs, you would know
how excited I am right now. Only, I thought the five guys who visit your site
don’t drink. Are they going to give me $$$ anyway? Because that would
be awesome! How about a splash of scotch to celebrate?
Regards,
Frank
This
is when Bill stopped emailing me. I desperately tried
to jumpstart our relationship:
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
I
thought we were going to be pen pals. You promised.
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
Bill,
are you really God’s Lynchpin? Because I talked
to God today (he was at the bottom of fifth of Jack Daniels
as usual, the crazy guy!) and he says he’s never
heard of you. Bill?
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
Come
on, Bill! I’ve downed another Jack rocks and I’m
raring for some more mental gymnastics! Are you afraid
of the Most Excellent Sickest of the Sickest XXXXporn
King? Let’s rassle!
Regards,
Frank
UPDATE:
After a long, depressing wait, Bill emailed me back. My
pleas and pathos saved our relationship! Unfortunately,
he tried to use his powerful mind-control tricks on me.
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link
Here's
what we can do. You say your a professional journalist
(?). OK, I'll give that. Let's see if we can get a juicy
story going. 1st; read my story "Bill's Story".
That's a start for an interview. 2nd; Get something out
of this Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell.
Both are about a wild and wooly guy who thinks he's Don
Quixote fencing with windmills, and then there's the other
Bill who thinks he can take on an army single handed (the
ABI), a real David and Goliath scenario.
Here's where you may salivate. All the drunks that have been incarcerated for
one crime or another. These guys and gals are your people. UNFAIR!!! Who's responsible?
Sure, it's the ABI who manufactures the nector of the gods you so much love
and enjoy. Actually booze is your best friend and lover who takes all your fears
and all the other crap that gets under a guy/gals skin. Makes you John Wayne,
the lover of lovers, king kong, and if, just if, you have low self esteem, it
all goes away with a single gulp.
Let's go after the ABI who lurks in the dark when an alcohol related crime is
committed, never the blame, always the "drunk" you so love and respect.
They should PAY and PAY and PAY for all your friends troubles.
Remember, if you don't put gas in the car it won't go. If the ABI didn't make
the booze that your buddies drink, they wouldn't get into an alcohol related
problem. Your drunks have taken a bad rap. Right?
How about the administration and the judiciary? Aren't they to blame for the
drunks incarceration because of the law of the land? Read the Constitution,
Amendments 1 & 14. It's all on my site. Not only would you be the champion
of the underdog, there's criminality involved. Manslaughter, coverup and criminal
negligence. You could be a hero to both the active drunk and the victims because
there's a legal term..."they knew or should have known." Should the
drunk be adhering to the legal saying, or should the ABI,administration along
with the judiciary.
Let's contact the incarcerated to get them to talk to their attorneys and put
the blame on mame boy...the above mentioned culprits. If this story breaks,
all five of my guys may get hep, and try the same thing. So we forget guys like
me with 25 years of sobriety attending AA meetings in Protestant basements,
and concentrate on the incarcerated, still drinking establishment of your peers.
Does this type of story intrigue you just a bit? Remember, all the things and
more I mentioned in a past e-mail, I've done in spades. Nobody gave a shit about
this drunk (which is a behavior). I ended up on the Bowery of N.Y. in a $2.00/night "chicken
coop", almost killing another drunk because he tried to clip me for a few
bucks.
By the way, here's a MADD clip for you. Maybe you would like to include it with
the other MADD stories. It's legit and factual. http://www.voai.org/candylightnermadd.htm
***MORE ABOUT MADD: MADD Chapter Founder Arrested
That's enough for tonight. Going for a stress test tomorrow. Need to get some
shut eye. Think about it Frank. We can always jerk the story around to benefit
both of us.
Bill
This
was a very exciting development! Why squabble like children
when we could link arms against a common enemy? The only
question was, who was the enemy? The shadow-stalking
ABI? The dastardly MADD? The Union of Hispanic Secretaries?
Who? I had to know.
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
Here's
what we can do. You say your a professional journalist
(?).
Your (?)s seem cruel and insinuating to me, sir. Please stop it.
OK,
I'll give that.
Thank you!
Let's
see if we can get a juicy story going. 1st; read my story "Bill's
Story". That's a start for an interview. 2nd; Get
something out of this Founder: William “Bill” Macdowell.
Both are about a wild and wooly guy who thinks he's Don
Quixote fencing with windmills, and then there's the other
Bill who thinks he can take on an army single handed (the
ABI), a real David and Goliath scenario.
Read them! Juicy! Wild and wooly indeed! And I can identify. I
once went 13 YEARS without drinking. Then I hit high school and it was
all kinda downhill from there.
Here's
where you may salivate.
Sir! What sort of cretin do you think I am? I only salivate over
scotch. Good scotch.
All
the drunks that have been incarcerated for one crime or
another. These guys and gals are your people.
Wait a minute. I thought you were the one who’s
been in prison. Aren’t they your people too? You may even know some
of them!
UNFAIR!!!
Who's responsible? Sure, it's the ABI who manufactures
the nector of the gods you so much love and enjoy.
Bill, the American Beverage Institute doesn’t make liquor!
Nor does the NRA make guns. They just defend the God-Given right to enjoy
both. Ever go shooting when you’re loaded, Bill? It’s a blast!
Actually
booze is your best friend and lover who takes all your
fears and all the other crap that gets under a guy/gals
skin. Makes you John Wayne, the lover of lovers, king
kong, and if, just if, you have low self esteem, it all
goes away with a single gulp.
Yes, yes and yes! Preach on Brother Bill!
Let's
go after the ABI who lurks in the dark when an alcohol
related crime is committed, never the blame, always the "drunk" you
so love and respect. They should PAY and PAY and PAY for
all your friends troubles.
Remember,
if you don't put gas in the car it won't go. If the ABI
didn't make the booze that your buddies drink, they wouldn't
get into an alcohol related problem. Your drunks have
taken a bad rap. Right?
Damn it, Bill, I already told you the ABI doesn’t make booze.
What’s more, they’re our bestest pals. We ride on their shoulders
like a crazy monkey, winging empties at MADD!
How
about the administration and the judiciary? Aren't they
to blame for the drunks incarceration because of the law
of the land? Read the Constitution, Amendments 1 & 14.
It's all on my site. Not only would you be the champion
of the underdog, there's criminality involved. Manslaughter,
coverup and criminal negligence. You could be a hero to
both the active drunk and the victims because there's
a legal term..."they knew or should have known." Should
the drunk be adhering to the legal saying, or should the
ABI,administration along with the judiciary.
Sure! Then once we get rid of the booze, we’ll---Wait a
minute. Are trying to trick me into attacking my friends? That’s
not very nice, Bill.
Let's
contact the incarcerated to get them to talk to their
attorneys and put the blame on mame boy...the above mentioned
culprits. If this story breaks, all five of my guys may
get hep, and try the same thing. So we forget guys like
me with 25 years of sobriety attending AA meetings in
Protestant basements, and concentrate on the incarcerated,
still drinking establishment of your peers.
Wait a minute, Bill, if we’re talking about rapists and
murderers and trespassers and stuff, we don’t want to help them.
They’re bad people. They can just stay in jail and drink that awful
pruno stuff (Have you tried pruno, Bill? Awful stuff! But pretty good
if it’s all you’ve got, eh Bill?)
Does
this type of story intrigue you just a bit? Remember,
all the things and more I mentioned in a past e-mail,
I've done in spades. Nobody gave a shit about this drunk
(which is a behavior). I ended up on the Bowery of N.Y.
in a $2.00/night "chicken coop", almost killing
another drunk because he tried to clip me for a few bucks.
You were in the Bowery? That’s so old school. You’re
what we call around here a Retro Drunkard. Did you drink Sterno and get
the DTs and see bats coming out of the walls like in The Lost Weekend?
That would be so cool. Because I like bats. Especially the one
on the bottles of Bacardi. I think he’s a good bat.
By
the way, here's a MADD clip for you. Maybe you would like
to include it with the other MADD stories. It's legit
and factual. http://www.voai.org/candylightnermadd.htm
***MORE ABOUT MADD: MADD Chapter Founder Arrested
That Candy. She so craaaazy!
That's
enough for tonight. Going for a stress test tomorrow.
Need to get some shut eye. Think about it Frank. We can
always jerk the story around to benefit both of us.
You’ve got some good ideas here, Bill. And I think an interview
would be the perfect place to discuss them. We must do this! We must unite
against MADD! We can win! Email me and we’ll set up the interview.
It’s going to be awesome!
Regards,
Frank
And
just when I thought Bill had drawn the last brilliant
pail of wisdom from the well, he comes up with yet another
dynamite idea.
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link
Last
thought of the day. Go to VEHICULAR ACCIDENTS DUE TO ALCOHOL/DWI/DUI
ATTORNEYS. Scroll down to Bromstrup kid. Is this kid a
drunk in your eyes? Or is he a victim of a rediculous
law. Forget the girls who died and the girl who was injured
for a moment. Now read this FACTS AND INFORMATION FROM
INSIDE THE COURTROOM.
When you think of a person in AA or myself who is an activist, do you see temperance
movement and/or prohibitionists? If you think one or the other...you are mistaken.
We are people who were sick and tired of the lives we led and wanted a breather.
I go to parties where there's plenty of drinking going on. Do I care if some
guy gets plastered and passes out or pukes (as long as it's not on me). Shit
no! Drinking is here to stay. The 87% of sober drivers is correct (? don't know
if your figures are correct). But of those so called sober drivers there are
some who have had a few before they got in the car. The kid above is an example.
He's not a drunk or is he alcoholic. He registered .04 on the richter scale.
08, as you know is legally drunk.
This is a mind bender for you I know. If you want to drink, so be it. You like
to get drunk, so be it. We in AA, much to your concepts of us, "live and
let live."
As a professional journalist, wanting a dynamite story, I would say this could
be it.
Bill
We love dynamite
stories at MDM. I mean, we practically salivate over them.
Especially when they come from hep dudes like Bill. As
I shall demonstrate.
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
Last
thought of the day. Go to VEHICULAR ACCIDENTS DUE TO ALCOHOL/DWI/DUI
ATTORNEYS. Scroll down to Bromstrup kid. Is this kid a
drunk in your eyes? Or is he a victim of a rediculous
law. Forget the girls who died and the girl who was injured
for a moment. Now read this FACTS AND INFORMATION FROM
INSIDE THE COURTROOM.
He
did a bad thing, Bill. But shouldn't we sue the cell phone
companies for causing fatal accidents too? Because studies
say that talking on the phone while driving is more dangerous
than driving legally drunk. Do you talk on the cell phone
while driving, Bill? Because if you do I may sue you. And
the people you represent, like AA. And cassette tape manufacturers!
Because, believe me, every time I drop a cassette on the
floor and start pawing around for it under the seat for
it, I’m dangerous as hell. I smell a big payday,
Bill!
When
you think of a person in AA or myself who is an activist,
do you see temperance movement and/or prohibitionists?
Yes!
If
you think one or the other...you are mistaken. We are
people who were sick and tired of the lives we led and
wanted a breather. I go to parties where there's plenty
of drinking going on. Do I care if some guy gets plastered
and passes out or pukes (as long as it's not on me). Shit
no! Drinking is here to stay.
Right on, Bill! I knew you were cool. Well, sorta cool. We’ll
say Laid Back Shop Teacher Cool.
The
87% of sober drivers is correct (? don't know if your
figures are correct).
It is! Once you factor out all the alcohol-related nonsense. You
know, a sober driver crashes into another sober driver and he runs over
a pedestrian who just drank a beer and they call it alcohol related. It’s
not fair, Bill. Not fair.
But
of those so called sober drivers there are some who have
had a few before they got in the car. The kid above is
an example. He's not a drunk or is he alcoholic. He registered
.04 on the richter scale. 08, as you know is legally drunk.
No!
They are all stone sober. If there was any measurable amount
of alcohol in their system they call it alcohol-related.
Not fair! Now, Bill, as far as the kid, we’re misconstruing
cause and effect. Just because he had a little alcohol
in his system doesn’t mean that’s what caused
the accident. I personally think he got in that accident
because he was bald.
This
is a mind bender for you I know. If you want to drink,
so be it. You like to get drunk, so be it. We in AA, much
to your concepts of us, "live and let live."
Yes! That’s why we don’t get worked up about AA like
we do MADD. Though I’m kinda wondering about you, Bill. You seem
a little aggressive. I mean, you say I am the King Sickest of the SickestXXXXporn
on your web site! That’s four Xs, Bill! And we don’t
even have porn on the site so I must be eXXXXtra special evil! Though
I have to admit, I’m starting to dig the title a little. I mean,
what an icebreaker!
As
a professional journalist, wanting a dynamite story, I
would say this could be it.
Uh, which would be the story? Baldness causing accidents? Got
to be honest with you, Bill: I think if we run that whopper up the flagpole
no one’s going to salute it. I mean, I know lots of bald people
and they drive fine. Seriously.
Looking
forward to the interview!
Frank
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
Hey
Bill!
How’s
it going? How’d the stress test go? I went through
my own stress taste last night. Two bottles of stress
if you know what I mean.
Anyhoo,
I was wondering if you were considering the interview.
We must do this, Bill. Must.
Drop
me a line,
Frank
And
just when I thought I'd lost him, Bill comes back and
makes me feel like a right bastard. Sorta.
From:
addiction [mailto:addiction1@adelphia.net]
To: editor@moderndrunkardmagazine.com
Subject: Re: Add a link
Might be good
news Frank. I'll find out next week when I see my doctor. Thanks for your concern.
Can you e-mail some of your thoughts and questions pertaining to an online interview?
You answered my e-mail with a negative tone about my thoughts. I thought our
affair was over. I was very distraught and depressed at my stress test. I thought
I would be going in for open heart surgery the way my heart was pumping at the
thought of our breakup and those e-mails i received from your "drunks." If
you print anything about my organization or me would you let me know? By the
way, did I tell you I was going on 74. Wow! You really know how to hurt an old
guy.
Bill
From:
Modern Drunkard Magazine
To: 'addiction'
Subject: RE: Add a link
Hey
Bill:
Bejesus!
I didn’t realize you were an old guy, Bill! By
the photo on your website I thought you were a strapping
lad of fifty. You kind of look like the guy from Adam-12,
that old police show. Do remember that show? 74! Wow!
That’s crazy. If you can stick it out 16 more years
you will have lived as long as that old reprobate Churchill!
Just think how much longer he would have lived he’d
gotten some therapy!
I
wasn’t trying to be negative in the emails, Bill.
It’s just that I was kinda drunk and feeling a
little goofy. And believe you me, I too was concerned
about our potential breakup. I think we can form a very
powerful alliance, Bill. We’ll assail MADD from
both sides, then we turn the attack against the booze,
though we’d be attacking it in our own special
ways. Attacking from the internet may work for you, but
me, I like to get down in the trenches with the stuff.
I mean, face to face with those goddamn bottles, that’s
how I like to do it. I’m kooky like that. Rest
assured, Bill, I’m going to kill at least a couple
of them tonight.
Sorry
if the “drunks” are sending you emails. I
hope they’re nice at least. I admit I directed
some of our readers to your web site, but only so they
could revel in my new status as the Sickest of the Sickest
XXXXporn King. I’m getting a lot of play out of
that title, Bill! You’ve given me a leg up in the
XXXX community, and I thank you for your fine endorsement.
Don’t
fret about the interview. It’s going to be a blast.
We’ll talk about MADD and your old crazy drinking
days in the Bowery and how you’re going to take
those bastards at ABI to the mat. Do you know that they
won’t talk to us? Why, I think they view us as
savages. Loose cannons on their tidy ship. I mean, they’re
only giving us a hundred grand a year to promote drinking
in high schools and that’s barely enough to keep
the office bar stocked! I bet if we come down on them
hard they’ll cough up some extra cash.
All
we have to do is set up a time and method. Do you have
AIM on your computer, or Microsoft Messenger? I’m
wide open tomorrow. Let me know and we’ll get it
rolling.
Hope
you’re feeling better,
Frank
(Part
Two)
