1 National Day of Resolutions. Can’t break ‘em unless you make ‘em. Bloody Mary.
2 Drinking Straw patented (1888). Fact: You get drunk faster if you drink through a straw. Mind Eraser.
3 Sergio Leone’s Birthday (1929). Perfect day for a spaghetti western boozefest. Italian vino.
4 Electric blender invented (1910). AKA Annoy the Bartender Day. Blender drinks.
5 Ulysses S. Grant elected president (1872). Fullbore drunkard seizes power.
1 1/2 oz El Presidente Brandy
1 1/2 oz Cointreau
1 1/2 oz Tequila
Juice of 1 Lime
Pour ingredients into a large glass. Add ice and let sit while preparing drinking glass. Rim glass with lime and salt, fill with ice and add a lime slice. Pour contents of large glass into salted glass.
6 Anniversary of Jimmy Carter’s encounter with a UFO (1969). Swears he wasn’t drunk. Crazy Horse Malt Liquor and a bowl of peanuts.
7 Flying V guitar invented (1958). Like musicians weren’t getting enough chicks already. Vodka tonics.
8 Elvis Presley’s Birthday (1935). Hail to the King.
Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Luv
6 oz vodka
6 oz water
2 tblsp Cherry Kool-Aid
Combine and shake it like Elvis for 30 seconds.
9 Chingay Procession in Honor of Kwan Ying (Chinese). Best Chingay Procession of the year. Trust me.
Procession of Pink Elephants
2 oz vodka
1/2 oz Midori Melon Liqueur
4 oz pink lemonade
Mix, drink fast, wait for the parade.
10 National Day of Loneliness. Elvis records Heartbreak Hotel (1956). Whiskey sour.
11 First American discotheque opens (1963). Another gift from the treacherous French. Harvey Wallbangers.
12 Jack London’s Birthday (1876). Answer the call of the wild. Yukon Jack Whiskey.
13 Blame Someone Else Day. Shift that accumulated shame elsewhere. Your roommate’s good scotch.
14 Sanford & Son debuted (1972). When you get your bar tab, pretend to have a heart attack. Ripple.
15 Feast of the Ass (Roman). We’re 90% sure they were talking about a donkey.
2 oz Barcardi 151 Rum
6 oz chilled Jolt Cola
Pour the rum over ice, top with cola.
16 US Prohibition begins (1920). AKA What the Hell Were We Thinking Day. Rum Runner.
17 Benjamin Franklin’s Birthday (1706). “Beer is proof that God loves us.” Anchor Liberty Ale.
18 Festival of Women as Cultivators (Persian). Bet the ladies were excited about this one.
1/2 oz dry vermouth
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
1 oz gin
2 dashes bitters
Stir ingredients with ice, strain.
19 Neon advertising sign patented (1889). Never again would drunks wonder, “Is that a bar?” The first alcohol you see advertised in neon.
20 International Hat Day. Your chance to finally wear that fedora in public.
1 oz vodka
1 oz peach schnapps
1 oz lemonade
1 oz Coca-Cola
Shake with ice, strain.
21 National Hugging Day. Don’t forget to hug your toilet at the end of the night. Get acquainted with the liquor you hate the most.
22 Lord Byron’s Birthday (1788). “Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.” Brandy.
23 Humphrey Bogart’s Birthday (1899). Last words: “I never should have switched from scotch to martinis.” Scotch rocks.
24 First canned beer sold (1935). Science occasionally comes up with something useful. Twelver of your choice.
25 Nut’s Day (Egyptian). Nut was an Egyptian goddess, but you can interpret it anyway you like. Samuel Smith’s Nut Brown Ale.
26 Anniversary of the Australian Rum Rebellion (1808). Armed drunkards responded to oppressive liquor laws by overthrowing the government. Fosters.
27 Water Conservation Day. “I never drink water because fish fuck in it.”—W.C. Fields. Hard liquor, neat.
28 National Kazoo Day. Bring one to the bar to entertain your friends!
Three Stages of Friendship
1/3 oz Jack Daniels
1/3 oz tequila
1/3 oz Bacardi 151
Mix and shoot before they shoot you.
29 W.C. Fields Birthday (1880). “‘Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her.” Gimlet.
30 Franklin D. Roosevelt’s Birthday (1882). Raise one to the drunkard who whipped up on Prohibition, the Depression and the Nazis. Wet gin martinis with a lemon twist.
31 National Brandy Alexander Day. Think the brandy distillers had anything to do with this one?
1 1/2 oz brandy
1 oz dark creme de cacao
1 oz half-and-half
1/4 tsp grated nutmeg
Shake the brandy, creme de cacao, and half-and-half with ice. Strain, garnish with nutmeg.