Another God Damn Joke Thread

[ScurvyDog]

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavors.

[Mr. Viking]

There was a new zookeeper in manchester zoo. He was very pleased to get the job because he had terrible anger management issues. On his first day he was looking after the aquarium, when one of the fish bit him. He went into a rage and took his shovel and hit all the fish until they were dead. When he realised what he had done he fell into a panic thinking, 'what have I done', the only way to get rid of the evidence would be to get rid of them, so he threw the dead fish into the lion enclosure, thinking, they'll eat all of that up. The next day he was looking after the apes in the great ape enclosure. He was brushing away, clearing up the straw and bits of fruit, because they were chimpanzees, who don't keep very tidy. He was brushing away when one of them flung a pile of poo at him. This was just too much, he snapped, and he took his shovel and beat them until every one of them was dead. Then when his anger subsided, and he panicked, because the zoo knew about his anger problem and he would definitely lose his job, so he did what he had done the day before, and threw the corpses into the lion enclosure, because everybody knows lions will eat everything. He cleared up the rest of the enclosure and went home. The next day, a friday, he was cleaning out the beehives, because the zoo kept bees to pollinate all of it's flowers, so he was getting the honey out at the same time, obviously. He was in the beekeeping gear with the hat and all, and was thinking to himself, this is great, there is nothing these bees can do to annoy me. Next thing he knows, there's a buzzing from inside the suit, and the bee stings him. That was it, he flew into a terrible rage and hit all of the bees with his shovel, killing every last one of them. When he realised what he had done he was petrified, he would definitely lose his job. Then he thought, I'll put them in the lion enclosure, those lions will eat anything.

There was a big show on the saturday, as a new lioness was introduced to the pride. She went through the unveiling ceremony and all that, but she only had one thing on her mind.
food.
so she goes to the head lion in the zoo and asks, "what's the food like here?"

he replied, "It's alright, the last few day's we've had fish and chimps and mushy bees"

[Bur]

for fuck's sake dude, just go around the corner and punch yourself on balls. with baseball bat. that's all

[JimLahey]

What's better than winning Gold in the Paralympics?
Walking.

[JohnnyT]

What's easier to pickup the heavier it gets?











Women.

[ratbag bundy]

Grow your own vegetables.

Drink heavily whilst pregnant.

[JohnnyT]

Whats the diffrence between the IRS and ex wives?



There ismnone!!

HA1

see what i did there.

im kill me!!!

[Smatter Noguts]

A little boy said to his mother; 'Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?'

His mother replied, 'Don't even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!'

[BeerMakesMeSmart]

A friend of mine told me Davy Jones died. I thought she was joking, until I saw her face...

[Smatter Noguts]

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes the preacher turned to Leroy and asked, "How's your hearing now, Brother Leroy?"

"Dunno." He replied, "It ain't till next Thursday."

commies ain't gonna like this one...

[whiskeyprick]

A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and asks, "Make we one with everything."

[JohnnyT]

aporky pig says to bugs bunny ebityebyty
ttags allfolk

[Mr. Viking]

Why do hipsters always burn their mouths with coffee?








drank it before it was cool

[Bounced]

You know what the dry said to the Drunk?

Who the fuck cares, because the dry got punched in the fucking mouth after saying it, and no one remembers. They only remember the dry getting beaten violently about the head and neck.

[Smatter Noguts]

When Joe Biden first heard that the lead Monkee was dead.
He ran around the White House yelling...."I'm the president!"

Imagine his disappointment.