86 MORE Rules of Boozing

[Jiggers McCoy]

Something I worked on when the job was slow. Hopefully this gets some conversation flowing.


86 MORE Rules of Boozing

1. Have at least 4 four of the following in your house: old-fashioned glasses, pint glasses, tall and narrower “Collins” glasses, and wine glasses. Bonus: A couple shot glasses. Each drink deserves a proper vessel.
2. Never drink an imported beer from a green bottle. You look like a douchebag. If you must drink Heinie or Stella, pour it into a glass.
3. If it will be more than 10 minutes journey to your next stop of the night, use the toilet before you leave, even if you think you don’t need to.
4. If you must urinate outdoors, pick the funniest story. Behind a dumpster? Meh. Middle of a dog park? YES.
5. Only take bottles or cans onto the dance floor.
6. Do not to order from the bar back. You’re just wasting time.
7. If the bartender has to measure your 2-part cocktail with a shot glass or jigger, it is not a bar you want to frequent.
8. Easy way to tell dive vs. faux-dive: amount of graffiti on the bathroom walls.
9. Having a “usual” is much cooler than just having whatever your friends are having, as long as it’s not a Slippery Nipple.
10. When in doubt, just buy a handle. Not like it’ll go bad.
11. Try not to get into argument’s about which “bargain beers” are the best, since they are all basically headaches in a can. Besides, it’s clearly Schlitz.
12. Always have some kind of liquor, wine and/or beer at home. Your legend will grow among surprise guests and after-partiers.
13. Plastic party cups are a red flag; put your roadies into disposable coffee cups with sipper lids.
14. The drinking world would be a better place if everyone behaved like they were in an airport bar.
15. When making a new drink at home, measure the first one to get the idea, then improvise each subsequent one until you get a feel for it. Drink all mistakes.
16. Strike up a conversation with an older fellow at a bar. Listen to his war stories, learn.
17. If you like bourbon, try rye.
18. If you don’t like bourbon, start.
19. Muddling is not the same as mashing, just a few firm press/twists and you’re golden.
20. Learn your bartenders’ names.
21. Don’t apologize if you slosh you’re drink while telling a story. You’re just being passionate.
22. The best stories come from nights when you didn’t plan on staying out late.
23. Drinking games and holidays are fun, but you never need an excuse to drink.
24. It is perfectly acceptable to ask “Will there be beer?” when invited to an event where the answer is not obvious.
25. The best part of a house party is when it’s 4 in the morning, just the serious boozers sitting around the table or living room, coming up with brilliant solutions to the world’s problems and arguing where to get breakfast.
26. If you’ve tasked a friend with staking out and saving seats in a crowded bar, their first round is on you.
27. A bar with a line is rarely worth your time.
28. Not many things unite all peoples of the world; but, no matter where you travel, the ingredients of a hangover cure remain the same: more booze, spice, grease, fruits and veggies.
29. When visiting a brewpub for the first time, get the sampler. It’s fun and gets everyone at the table engaged.
30. Know what bars are having what specials on any given day of the week.
31. Don’t tell your bartender how to make a drink, unless they ask. If you feel they won’t know it or they’ll screw it up, simply order by ingredients. Instead of “I’ll have a Gin Rickey,” say, “I’ll have a gin and soda with lime.”
32. Lime is the all-purpose garnish and tastes good with every known booze. If your drink needs a little something, toss in a lime.
33. Drinks taste better on a roof or near water.
34. The only thing better than after-work happy hour is before-close happy hour.
35. If you don’t own a flask, why?
36. Know how to tap a keg, and don’t listen to the fools who say it needs to rest before you start filling cups. As long as it has been iced for at least an hour, it’s as ready as it’s going to get. Fill a pitcher with the starter foam, then get to it. Drink from the pitcher once the foam subsides.
37. Do not overpump a keg. It should take about 15 seconds to fill your cup, not 2.
38. If you’re having a BYOB party, for God’s sake, clear out your fridge or make some cooler space available.
39. Bringing a rack of Beast to a party where there will be a lot of snobs is hilarious.
40. Men do not order white wine or champagne for themselves at a bar. Red is borderline. Save these for dining with a lady.
41. Cooking with booze is only fun if you also get to drink it.
42. Even if you don’t smoke, carrying a lighter can be a very useful icebreaker.
43. A bottle-opener keychain will come in handy more often than you think.
44. Resist the urge to sing along with the jukebox until your fifth drink.
45. Snowing out? Can’t drive to work, better walk to the bar.
46. Any beer that is both over $6 and under 32oz is a rip-off. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices.
47. Never order a mixed drink at a ball game, unless you’re in a luxury box.
48. Mix them yourself, from a flask.
49. Feel like an outsider in the bar? Strike up a conversation with what looks to be a regular and buy them a round. Instant insider.
50. Technology is a blessing and a curse. You can use your phone for clues as to what happened last night, but you may not want to know.
51. If you insist on wearing your team’s colors in a rival bar, be prepared to be hassled. Unless you won, of course.
52. Never cheer someone being 86’d, unless it is yourself. Then go nuts.
53. If 86’d, don’t hang around outside, you look desperate.
54. Do not sit on a couch or recliner after being at a party for more than 3 hours: you will pass out.
55. Do not wear t-shirts proclaiming how drunk you are/will be. Vintage-looking beer and liquor shirts are acceptable.
56. T-shirt and jeans? Fratty. T-shirt, jeans and blazer? Now you’re boozing with style.
57. The only tequila good enough to shoot is too expensive to shoot.
58. For some reason, saving wine corks in a glass vase is tres chic, while hammering beer caps into your drywall is not. Don’t ask us why.
59. Chores are better with booze. Our recommendations are gin and tonic for dishes, beer for mowing, and whiskey for laundry. Experiment and find what works for you.
60. Drinking is seasonal. Each season, try a new cooler or warmer, as appropriate. You may find a new favorite.
61. In the summer, it is hard to get more refreshing than an ice-cold American lager.
62. Just because it is in a shallow, conical glass does not mean it is a Martini.
63. Save on vodka and gin, splurge on whiskey and tequila. For rum, go mid-shelf.
64. Only canned beer in the shower. Safety first.
65. When stumbling home, the most sure-footed should walk just ahead of the least. However, you’ll all end up falling at some point.
66. Order another round with the rest of the table, this will save your server from having to go back and forth one drink at a time.
67. Drunk food should never be consumed undrunk. Further, nothing served hot at 7-11 should be eaten by humans, ever.
68. Wear shirts with front pockets. That way, you stand a fighting chance of not losing your sunglasses, lighter, etc.
69. Overtip cabbies. It’s usually only an extra buck or two for them to “keep the change,” and they’re keeping you out of jail and safe (latter point may be debatable in NYC).
70. Know the major streets where you are most likely to flag a cab. Failing that, have a few cab company numbers saved in your phone.
71. Your ginger-infused, organic Manhattan with locally-sourced bitters and star anise is all well and good, but you should also appreciate a shot of rail whiskey, followed by a cheap beer. There is elegance in simplicity.
72. Should you find yourself in one of the new, uber-trendy cocktail lounges, you are obligated to try at least one “Signature Drink” before switching back to bourbon and Coke.
73. When tasting wine, never avail yourself of the spit/dump bucket. They didn’t give you that much, and anything better than Pruno deserves a full slug to be judged by.
74. Don’t keep giant plastic novelty cups. You will never use them again.
75. Experience moonshine. A few distilleries even make a legal version: it’s called corn whiskey or white whiskey.
76. Your grandparents will make killer cocktails with top shelf ingredients. You need only to ask and make it season-appropriate. Christmas time? Get ready for a Grasshopper.
77. The term “cocktail” came from a drink’s name, the “Cock’s Tail,” was a whiskey-based concoction meant to be consumed upon rising. If our forefathers drank in the morning, you should too.
78. Cracked ice for shaking, big cubes for cooling in-glass.
79. Having a bar tab unexpectedly taken care of by a friend is better than a birthday present.
80. Know the difference between Beirut and Beer Pong, but don’t be a dick about it.
81. Bars always understaff on bottomless cup nights. Be prepared to spend most of your time in line.
82. It’s just as crowded on the patio, but you may be able to breathe easier.
83. If your coaster keeps sticking to your glass, shake a little table salt onto it.
84. Don’t order a Martini in a shitkicker bar.
85. It’s ok to read in a bar, but probably inadvisable on a Saturday night.
86. Each drink is a little vacation. Enjoy yourself.

[Chimneyfish]

You kinda lost me with "Heinie" and then I was with you again at "If you don’t like bourbon, start" but then you lost me again with "bourbon and Coke".

Good list though- nice work.

[Jiggers McCoy]

Haha, yeah I was just trying to think of a boring-but-effective two part cocktail that lots of folks might order. Certainly wouldn't be my personal preference. Thanks for reading!

And I call it Heinie because it tastes like ass. Seriously, why pay import prices for skunked lager?

[Barca]

Absolutely brilliant! Very well done.

[Wingman]

overall, very nice. i disagree with a couple, but no more so than the original list. my favorite is #59.

[kowalski]

Excellent - good work! I always fail at number 12...

[Jiggers McCoy]

Disagreements welcome! I was hoping this might start some good-natured debate.

Which ones would you go the other way on, Wingman?

[Wingman]

Disagreements welcome! I was hoping this might start some good-natured debate.

Which ones would you go the other way on, Wingman?

#2: i happen to like stella, though pouring it into a cup or glass does improve the taste a lot. i tend to fall on the "drink what you want" side of "drinking x makes you seem y."
#6: in a crowded bar, if the barback makes eye contact (doubtful), i'll give him my order, and he can relay it to the bartender if he wants. if the barback knows me and knows i tip well, that's his paycheck, too. i've also been in bars where the barback has limited drink-serving abilities.
#40: see comment for #2.
#46: while generally true, there are exceptions.

looks like it's the ones where you say "always" and "never." go figure. but they are supposed to be rules, and we know what those are made for. ;)

but there are some great ones, too! #17&18, for instance. #31. 39.

[Jiggers McCoy]

Clearly I don't hang out with the right Stella and wine drinkers ;) Seems like the guys I know order stella for it's perceived status as opposed to taste.

As for wine, I love it but much prefer splitting a bottle or four with the Mrs. instead of glass-by-glass at a bar.

[Resident Asshole]

Since you asked for feedback, here is mine as someone who started as a customer, then a door/security guy, then barback, then waiting tables, then bartending, then co-managing and bartending. BTW, I totally agreed with many of your points, in this post I will only comment on my disagreements.

Something I worked on when the job was slow. Hopefully this gets some conversation flowing.


86 MORE Rules of Boozing

2. Never drink an imported beer from a green bottle. You look like a douchebag. If you must drink Heinie or Stella, pour it into a glass.

I don't really think that drinking from a bottle makes you look like a douche no matter what the beer, but I do think that drinking beer from a clear or green bottle is dumb because the beer usually gets skunked by the time it gets to you if it's an import.

6. Do not to order from the bar back. You’re just wasting time.

I agree with Wingman, sometimes I would order from the barback if I knew him and I knew he would want my tip. When I barbacked it was the same way. In general you are correct though.

24. It is perfectly acceptable to ask “Will there be beer?” when invited to an event where the answer is not obvious.

Splitting hairs here, but I believe the polite thing to ask is "Should I bring beer?".

31. Don’t tell your bartender how to make a drink, unless they ask. If you feel they won’t know it or they’ll screw it up, simply order by ingredients. Instead of “I’ll have a Gin Rickey,” say, “I’ll have a gin and soda with lime.”

Although I very much agree with you on this, there have been times when I have told a bartender how to make something just because I have a special way that I want it. For instance, making an Old-Fashioned is a process, more like making food than a drink. But, as a bartender, the majority of the time you are correct in that I don't want unwanted directions.

46. Any beer that is both over $6 and under 32oz is a rip-off. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices.

Totally disagree. I am someone that people consider a beer snob. $7 for a pint of Founder's Kentucky Breakfast Stout is ok by me. Why? I love the taste and at 11.2% you can go ahead and drink 5 of your Bud Shiite's and have about the same buzz as I do, plus I don't need to piss every 5 minutes.

55. Do not wear t-shirts proclaiming how drunk you are/will be. Vintage-looking beer and liquor shirts are acceptable.

Most of the time I agree, but what about my shirt which simply says "Drunkard" on the front?

56. T-shirt and jeans? Fratty. T-shirt, jeans and blazer? Now you’re boozing with style.

Eh, I wear t-shirts and jeans all the time and I hate frats. How about slacks and sweater vest? FRATTY!

61. In the summer, it is hard to get more refreshing than an ice-cold American lager.

We will just have to agree to disagree. I would much rather have a Margarita, sangria or my personal drink, the poolside, which has citrus vodka, lemonade and cran/rasp juice in it. Surreal can attest to their tastiness.

69. Overtip cabbies. It’s usually only an extra buck or two for them to “keep the change,” and they’re keeping you out of jail and safe (latter point may be debatable in NYC).

I fully believe in overtipping cabbies, but in the smallish town I live in the reason is that on a busy night I can get a cab in 15 minutes while everyone else waits over an hour. Reason being that the cabs give me their personal cell. numbers because I always treat them well.

72. Should you find yourself in one of the new, uber-trendy cocktail lounges, you are obligated to try at least one “Signature Drink” before switching back to bourbon and Coke.

If I find myself in one of those places it is only because I was doing my woman a favor and going where she wanted to go. I will still drink whatever the hell I like, whether it's on their signature list or not.

73. When tasting wine, never avail yourself of the spit/dump bucket. They didn’t give you that much, and anything better than Pruno deserves a full slug to be judged by.

Perhaps you have been to more tastings than myself, but I never dump the wine. Same for beer tastings. The bucket is for after you taste the beer/wine, you fill your glass partly with clean water, slosh it around and then dump that. I've done LOTS of beer tastings and it really helps, especially when you are comparing fruit beers.

75. Experience moonshine. A few distilleries even make a legal version: it’s called corn whiskey or white whiskey.

Legal shine tastes nothing like real shine, but I understand that some people simply can't get real shine.

78. Cracked ice for shaking, big cubes for cooling in-glass.

No, big cubes for shaking. The smaller ones not only water down your drinks more than large ones (they melt faster), but can come out in slivers when you are pouring out of the shaker. I would like to hear the reasoning for the reverse.

83. If your coaster keeps sticking to your glass, shake a little table salt onto it.

It's one of my pet peeves when people do this, especially when I'm busy behind the bar. NOBODY can manage to just put a little salt on their fucking coaster, they manage to get it all over my bar, plus it makes my sink nasty when I wash the glass. If you can't manage to deal with a coaster then don't use one.

[Booz Hound]

I dont know about nuber 47 "Never order a mixed drink at a ball game, unless you’re in a luxury box." I had a liquor cart near my seat in Nats stadium and i was the only one who used it so the guy who always seemd to run it hooked me up with some fine cocktails. I also had sveral beers stashed arround my seat for after the 7th inning so it worked out pretty well for me.

[Bluespook]

well done, very good list. Especially the part about drinking on a roof or near water. Something about that makes you feel like a king, overlooking your domain and all the little people down below. Roof drinking is a wonderful experience and not one that i get to do very often. Come spring time, i'll remedy that in short order.

[Wingman]

83. If your coaster keeps sticking to your glass, shake a little table salt onto it.

It's one of my pet peeves when people do this, especially when I'm busy behind the bar. NOBODY can manage to just put a little salt on their fucking coaster, they manage to get it all over my bar, plus it makes my sink nasty when I wash the glass. If you can't manage to deal with a coaster then don't use one.

[/quote]

how does salt make your sink nasty?

[Bourbon and Blues]

22. The best stories come from nights when you didn’t plan on staying out late.

This! Been saying that for years. And the counterpart being that the craziest nights always happen when planning on not drinking as much...famous last words, I learned not to say them.

[Jiggers McCoy]

Part of the reason for shaking a cocktail is to (slighty) water it down with the melting ice. Think of shaking a Manhattan vs. just using whiskey stored in the freezer. Plus I feel you get it chilled faster with small chunks. And the smaller, cracked ice will melt even faster in your glass, causing it to become even more watered down. Hence, big cubes in-glass.

As for the dump bucket, I was more speaking to the delicate souls who get an already-small "tasting" pour, take a tiny sip, then dump the rest. Clearly, rinsing is allowed

Beer-questionable events: I was thinking more about things like street festivals, art shows, etc. Going to another persons house, I always bring a little something.

Thanks for reading!