i've lived in a place called goose creek, south carolina. a small hillbilly town in a state that at the time was ranked the worst in the u.s. for education. those people were rednecks. i've been to places in georgia where the gene pool was so diluted, it was a normal part of their culture for 30 year old men to date 13 year old girls. i've been to places in south dakota where i drew a crowd in the only diner in town, because many of the folks there had never been outside the boundaries of there little village.
i have seen hillbilly and redneck of many different varieties. some of them good honest folks and some just plain assholes. now i live in a town called boonville. the name says it all. these folks are breed of redneck/hillbilly mix that i had never encountered until last november. at first i found them depressing and frustrating, but recently they have finally accepted me into their community and it was our good friend alcohol that finally bridged the gap in our cultures and endeared me into this community.
about a month ago i joined the local vfw hall, and found instantly i was a hero. my first night drinking in our post i spent three dollars and found myself drinking all night, closing the bar, helping the bartender close up and then violating several health codes in and on the bar with her.
as for all the other members, they are so excited to have a member that is both young and literate, i still don't pay for drinks and i frequently get phone calls from people wondering why i am not up there getting drunk.
one young kid that hangs out up there particularly looks up to me and after watching me get shitfaced for only 3 nights, asked me to be a part of his wedding last week. i didn't even know his last name but i said i'd be honored, because lets face it, in a town whose most well known people are willy, the albino black man, the midget twin sisters that live down the street from me, and ken the most racist man in indiana (didn't say well liked, just well known), a wedding in this town has got to be a good time. and i was not disappointed.
the brides mother showed up stumbling drunk and ranting against the wedding. we had to escort her out to her car to sleep it off. the grooms father showed up in cowboy boots held together with duck tape in fine harley davidson and the marlboro man style an wearing a muscle shirt stating "i'd rather be fishing". and the bride herself showed up wearing the finest red mini skirt wal-mart sells and some actually very nice black cowboy boots.
i got to say, it may seem like a jerry springer wedding, but after the brides mother passed out pre-ceremony, the rest of it was a damn good time. there were no fights, just dancing and drinking. i was drug outside to sip out of the moonshine jar more than once at the reception which was held at the vfw and found myself, even staggering and slurring, the center of attention by several of the ugliest redneck gilrs you ever saw. the good looking girl there was one of the most stunning women i have ever seen and i was absolutley shocked to see someone that looked like that there, but there she was. half native american and very tall and slender and dark with the most amazing eyes. she left early and i've been trying to track her down since, but that is neither here no there.
after eight years in the city i wanted small town. i thought i fucked up when i moved here, here in the heart of kentuckiana. but i'm learning to love it. they may be backwoods, dirty and sometimes inbred. but they are good people that take of each other as family. they don't judge one another (unless you're kenny the racist and you are anything different from himself)and all they want to do is, in the words of david allan coe, get drunk and screw.
road to hell is paved with unbought stuffed dogs.
"I AM TOO DRUNK TO TASTE THIS CHICKEN."
i'm not saying i beat the devil, but i drank his beer for nothin'.... then i stole his song.