i arrived at the venue in Sukhumvit, a 10 minute stroll from the hotel i was staying in..
setting up for some kind of boring event for some Indian organisation...... had all my stuff set up, so my Thai client suggested i grab myself some beers to keep myself busy.
but in deference to the indian client, i decided to drink them all out of a burger king cup..... through a straw.....
its amazing how fast one can go through 12 cans of singha beer through a straw.
by the time i was able to leave the venue, the 10 minute stroll back to the hotel had turned into a 45 minute laughing stagger. luckily all the bars were closed at this point, but it was funny to stagger past tables of ladyboys eating their breakfast and have them try and get me to take them to my hotel.
Ladyboy: "You handsome man, i go with you?"
Bundy: "Dont talk with your mouth full BWAAA HAA HAA HAA!!!"
the following day was a fairly uneventful event, with the higlight being a team of three indians talking about venture capital into a cement plant.
now, as the only white fella in the entire ballroom, hungover to boot, i ask you to put yourself in my position..... when someone with an indian accent says the word "cement", it sounds like......."semen."
presenter: "Ve are wery optimistic about our production of semen."
presenter: "Ve are expecting several million tons of semen this financial kvarter."
Bundy: "Hee hee hee"
Event organiser: "Vy are you laughing Bundy?"
Bundy: "I'm sorry."
E.O: "Vat is so funny about semen?"
Bundy: "Hee hee hee"
E.O: "Vy you laugh venever you hear "semen" come out of my mouth?"
Bundy: "BWAAAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA."
event over, i meander down to Nana Plaza, exactly half way between my hotel and the venue.... nightmare i know... especially as i had just been paid in cash by my client, before the event even finished...
i decide to employ one of my more foolproof methods of safe sex / intoxication indicator..... quite simple really....
1- find ugliest hooker in bar
2- drink heavily
3- when beer goggles render the -5 hooker into a 10 supermodel, then:
a- you KNOW you've had just enough to drink
b- you'll be so muntered there'll be no way you can get it up anyway.
at this stage however, you feel the need to buy rounds of beers for the entire bar. so i rang the bell in the pub to signify that i'd buy the entire bar drinks.
as i'm sat there surrounded by every hooker in the place, getting the hairy eyeball from all the lecherous old drunken men who's "Ladies of Negotiable Affection" i've just nicked, make the sagacious decision to get the fuck out of there.
and promptly hop onto the Bangkok Helicopter...... jumping on the back of a motorcycle taxi to take me home.
as he pulls out into traffic and stops at the lights right at the front of all the cars, i put my feet on the floor to adjust my position so i'm not riding along with my flacid cock wedged into the fellas arse crack......
when the lights turn green and he takes off....
leaving me stood bow legged in the middle of bangkok traffic....
as i go legging it after the motorbike, the one thought flashes through my head.
Bundy: "I cant believe i've done this again."
now i'm not exactly a small guy, so any shift in position makes the motorbike weave dangerously about... and considering i cant even perambulate without 3 attempts to even get off a bar stool, this is a fairly exciting situation.
finally manage to balance my center of gravity, but everytime the fella brakes or changes gear, the jolt keeps smacking my mouth into the back of his helmet (thats CRASH helmet, for you fellas ie Fiyah, Dan, BMMS et al who would no doubt make a reference to post op ladyboys and penis helmets.)
then quickly discover that turning my head to avoid losing all my teeth, causes some wind resistance which shifts my weight which has us careering all over the road again.
so fuck it, i put my hand over my mouth.
its hard enough being plastered and trying to make oneself understood to someone who now speaks english better than me even though they have a vocabulary of 20 words.
try it when pissed, on a motobike going 50 mph weaving through traffic with your hand over your mouth with the occasional scream of terror.
Bundy: "mmm mmm mfff mmmm AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! FUCK! IF I WANTED TO GET HIT BY CARS I WOULD HAVE WALKED BACK!!!"
Thai motobike fella: "Ok! No Problem! Hotel! Ok!"
to calm my nerves when i dismounted (intentionally i may add), i went into another bar..... it was the kamikazes that led to the black out...
as an aside, whenever i wake up in a hotel room with a set of brass knuckles, a cattle prod and wearing a burberry fedora and a beer can pyramid in the shower, i always think "Ah.....Bangkok...."
also, a note to all of you who ever wake up with one of these cattle prod things.... DON'T think to yourself "Hmmm, whats that?" then try to pick it up from the metal end.
nicely showered and tasered, i make it back to the venue for the second day of conference.
no semen today, so very boring.
back to Nana plaza again, where i am greeted with a heroes welcome, and proceed to drink far too much Chang beer. again.
i left early this time, to try and get a decent nights sleep, when i bump into the "Semen" Presenters from the previous day. Of course, i have to buy them a drink and get them talking about semen in a bar full of hookers.
leading them to "morning - night", the bar i was in, i'm walking backwards talking to them, turn round and bump into someone quite sturdy.
Bundy: "Oh, kha tort kap, sorry, oh...... you're an elephant.."
elephant: *smiles at bundy*
Bundy: "You alright mate?"
elephant: *pats Bundy on head with trunk*
Bundy: "Fancy a pint?"
Elephant: "starts trying to put trunk in Bundys pocket to take money*
Bundy: "Fucking thieving bastard pachyderm! pack it in! heh heh"
mahout: "You buy him food?"
Bundy: "Ok cool.... *buys bag of sugarcane* there you go mate, one at a time eh?"
elephant: *takes bag off bundy, tips it on the floor, pushes bundy away with trunk.
Semen presenters: "um, Bundy, can we go to this pub then?"
Bundy: "Sure, but we're taking this fucking elephant and getting him a beer."
Mama-san: "No Bundy, cannot bring elephant inside bar."
Bundy: "What, coz he isnt dressed right? i'll get him a fucking tie then."
*bundy runs to tailors*
Bundy: "Got a massive order for you mate. need a tie for an elephant right now."
Tailor: "...........get out."
last day, half day conference, thank fuck for that.
so 1pm has me back at morning-night, just fueling up for the trip back to singapore.
jump in taxi to the airport, running a teeny bit late, with a sixpack i'd just bought at 711.....
Bundy: "How long to the airport buddy?"
Drives: "About 45 minutes mr Bundy."
Bundy: "Get us there in less than 30 and you shall have a beer sir."
15 mins later, Bundy in the back drinking and smoking being thrown around all over the place by the mad drives
Drives: "Thats the fastest my car has ever gone mr Bundy."
Bundy: "Here's your beer fella."
check in, blah blah blah, security check.
Security: "Sir, you cannot board with liquids in your bag."
Bundy: "No worries, give me a minute."
*bundy stands and canes 4 changs in a row, waving people through the security gate.*
i passed out in my seat on the plane, to be roused by the flight attendant asking if i wanted chicken or fish
Bundy: "Beer please."
FA: "yes sir, and chicken or fish?"
Bundy: "Err, fish... and some wine please."
FA: "Red or white sir?"