Are you guys for real?
Yes. While there is some satire involved, we believe to the very core of our souls every word we write.
Who are you?
We are a group of functional alcoholics based primarily in Denver, CO. Included in our ranks are published novelists, filmmakers, English gentlemen, barflies, punk rock musicians, comedians, outright dastards and admitted boozeheads.
Do you mind the word alcoholic?
No. We are taking it back from the fascists. Soon it will be considered a compliment.
Do you really believe that?
Are you drunk right now?
Aren’t you sending people to an early grave?
No. We are extending their life spans. Even heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers. Recent studies prove the health benefits of moderate drinking save roughly a half million lives a year.
Are you moderate drinkers?
Do you guys really drink that much?
Yes. And much, much more.
Do you really have a bar in your office?
What do you drink around the office?
Bourbon generally, with a healthy mix of absinthe, Martinis, Hemingways (gin and tonic with a healthy splash of bitters) and Brutal Hammers (red wine and vodka).
Where are you getting that absinthe from? I thought it was illegal in the U.S.
Why, are you a cop? Actually, it’s only illegal to sell it in the U.S. It is legal to possess it. There are a number of foreign web sites that will ship it to your door (we recommend www.originalabsinthe.com). If U.S. Customs does intercept your shipment, they will seize it, but you will not suffer any legal consequences.
Can I buy you guys a drink/drinks?
Yes. Email us and we’ll meet you in any bar in Denver.
Are you anti-MADD or anti-Alcoholics Anonymous?
Yes and no. We respect A.A.’s position that if someone can drink without creating problems, more power to him or her, and we agree that some people should not drink. We certainly don’t want those types dragging us down at the bar. MADD, however, is a sinister corporation pushing flagrant lies. A sacred cow everyone was afraid of challenging, until now. Check out this and this.
What’s your problem with MADD? Don’t you realize they’re just a sweet and innocent grass-roots organization trying to get drunk drivers off the streets?
The hell you say. They may have started out that way, but presently they’re a greedy gang bent on taking away our booze. The president of the Mothers, for crissakes, is a man, and so are most of the board of directors. And all very well paid. Even the founder of MADD, Candy Lightner, has condemned them as prohibitionists who are up to no good.
What are your goals?
To return drinking to the glorious Rat Pack/Jackie Gleason Era. How do we plan to pull it off? First we unite the International Drunkard Tribe. Then we crush our enemies. Then we take over. Then we celebrate with a never-ending series of victory keggers and self-congratulatory cocktail parties.
Do I have to be a drunk to enjoy your magazine?
No, but it certainly helps. Many of our subscribers are moderate and reformed drinkers who read MDM for the vicarious thrill.
If I buy a Modern Drunkard T-shirt, hat, fez or hoodie, will strangers buy me lots of shots and look up to me as a supreme drunk? Yes. Get yours here.
How can you drink so much and still put out a magazine?
First off, we have to drink that much just to know what the hell we’re writing about. Second, where the devil did people get the idea that drinking somehow gets in the way of production? The most prolific writers, artists and journalists of history drank before, during, and after work. Personally, I’m amazed that magazines are produced by sober people.
Aren’t you going to eventually run out of things to write about?
Not in a thousand years. It’s an incredibly deep well that’s continually refilling. If we’re able to capture one percent of the available material during our run, we’ll be extremely surprised.
Isn’t your very existence a sure sign of the coming apocalypse?
It’s been said. But we doubt it. Before the current tide of political correctness, drinking magazines were fairly common and the world didn’t end then, now did it?
I heard there is some sort of Drunkard secret society with secret handshakes and weird rituals. Is this true?
Not as far as you know.
Don’t you feel terrible about what you’re doing?
Nope. In fact, we feel pretty nifty about the whole thing.
Are we really moving toward a new prohibition, or are you just trying to scare us poor drunks?
We’re not in the business of scaring drunks, we’re in the business of preparing drunks. The pendulum is definitely swinging in that direction, and has been since the 1980s. The question is, can we stop it before it reaches full prohibition?
What does the future hold for MDM?
Oh, many splendid and wonderful things. Just you wait and see.
May I submit an article, fiction or poetry?
Absolutely. We encourage all manner of submissions. For guidelines, go here.
Will I get paid for my efforts? Yes. We pay ten cents per published word for fiction and articles.
I submitted my damn story, then sent you a dozen increasingly bitter follow-up emails, and you still haven’t gotten back to me. What gives?
When the magazine first started we tried very hard to personally reply to each submission, no matter how wretched and unpromising. We figured writers would value feedback and constructive criticism. We quickly discovered that for the most part they don’t. Writers these days are more likely to say, “Well, fuck you then! My mom says my story ‘Frolicking with the Battery-Operated Sea Horses’ is ten times better than any story you’ve ever published. I hate you! I hate you!” While we still occasionally encourage writers with obvious potential, we find it much more dignified to remain stonily silent.
Do you accept advertorials? Cuz my company will write you some awesome content (for free!) and all we want are a couple links in it. We might even slide you a few bucks! Win-win!
No. And fuck you for assuming we’re hacks.
What’s with the layout? It seems a little dated.
A little dated? Try a lot dated. You can date it all the way back to 1950. Call us nostalgists, tell us we’re drinking in the past, but we prefer to take our style cues from the men’s adventure magazines of the middle of the last century, as opposed to the slick contemporary examples of Maxim or Stuff.
Why don’t you do band reviews? Because I’m in a band, and we really—
Shhhh. Hush up now. We don’t do bands reviews because 1) we’re not a music magazine, 2) we are friendly with a lot of bands and don’t reckon we’re capable of giving an objective opinion, and 3) every other goddamn small magazine does them, and they’re rarely honest—they make every local band sound like they’re the greatest thing since The Clash. In our opinion, no reviews are better than dishonest ones.
Why don’t you review Denver bars then?
Because most of our advertisers are Denver bars, and we would naturally be inclined to give them glowing reviews, regardless of what we might actually think. And that would make us hacks. Pick up your average Denver magazine and you’ll find a bar review right across the page from the bar’s ad, and guess what? It turns out the joint is the greatest fucking bar on the planet! That said, the bars that advertise in MDM possess at least one quality the others don’t: balls.
What’s with the erratic publishing schedule? Are you monthly, bi-monthly, tri-monthly, or do you just come out whenever the hell you feel like it?
We’re, uh, periodical. Oh, you can rest assured great drunken proclamations are made on a weekly basis that we will get back on schedule, and soon, but things always tend to become unglued about six shots later. What I’m saying is we’re not a gang of soulless mercenaries trying to grab a market niche—we’re a gang of drunks trying to build a rocket to the moon to investigate rumors that the craters are full of hooch (to paraphrase Dr. Thompson).
What’s with the typos? Don’t you have any proof readers?
We have 100-proof readers, as it were, and a sizable cadre of them. Here’s the thing—the proofers are all enthusiastic drinkers and when they get together to proof, they naturally start drinking. And for all the benefits of alcohol, it does not lend a keen eye for detail. Reading the Drunkard is like talking with your drunk buddy at the bar—his diction and pronunciation may not be pristine, but he’s likely to have something interesting to say. Most of the time, anyway. If the day comes when an issue rolls off the presses without a single error, you can rest assured we have sold out to a conglomerate and are presently drinking expensive rum out of coconuts on a beach in Guatemala.
The post office won’t deliver to the ’74 Cutlass I’m living in. Where else can I purchase a copy of Modern Drunkard Magazine?
At various book and magazine stores throughout the US. We’ll post a full list here when we get it. If your local bookstore doesn’t carry it, tell them to order it directly through us. They can email us here.
Why should I subscribe to the print magazine if you put the content up on the web anyway?
First, the web content is about two months behind the print issue. Second, some of the print content doesn’t get put up. Third, and most importantly, just think how impressed your drinking buddies will be when they find a copy of the Drunkard on your coffee table. “This man,” they will think to themselves, “is a goddamn drunkard. I must buy him a drink, so I too may revel in his greatness.”
I have a question that isn’t addressed here. Will you answer it?
Yes. Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org