Lexington, MA- April 19, 1775

Paul Revere is sitting in his kitchen eating a bowl of cereal when there is a knock on the door. His friends-Jonas Clarke, Sam Adams and John Hancock-walk in.

"What's up, guys?" Revere says.

"Hey Paulie," they say.

"Some night last night," Revere says.

"Yeah, look, that's kind of why we're here," Hancock says. "To talk to you about that, I mean."

"Talk to me about what?"

Adams says, "You know. the whole horse thing, Paulie."

"What whole horse thing?"

"The thing with the horse, Paulie, you know what we're talking about," Hancock says. "You got on your horse drunk last night. Again ."

"And?"

"Look Paulie," says Adams, "we're all very concerned about you. We're your friends, you know? And we want you to know we're all a little worried about this getting drunk and getting on your horse thing."

"Look, I got home, didn't I? What is this shit?"

Adams says, "Yeah, but. look, I'm sure you don't remember this, Paulie, but you got into some deep shit last night. You were hollering something about the British coming, I don't even know, waking everyone up. I mean, Paulie, these people have to work in the morning and they weren't too amused."

"Well shit, maybe the British were coming. How would you fucks know? You didn't even want to come out last night! Too busy spooning with your old ladies."

Jonas Clarke says, "Look Paulie, don't get mad. We're here because we like you."

"Love you," Hancock corrects. "Paulie, we love you like a brother and we don't want to see you get hurt. A horse isn't something to fuck around with. I mean, I don't know if you know this, but you ended up getting detained by the British army."

"No shit! Sounds like fun. You flakes are probably jealous you weren't there, you buncha tight-ass motherfuckers. Looks like I need to get some good honest drunks for friends, not you fucking pathetic teetotalers."

Adams says, "Paulie, you know that's not fair-I'd put my fuckin' name and face on a beer bottle if I could."

"Get out!" shouts Revere. "Just get the fuck out of my place!" He throws his cereal bowl at Hancock and Cheerios stick all over his face.

"Okay Paulie," Adams says, "we'll leave, but I think you should know-we slashed your hooves. Just remember, Paulie, it's because we love you."

After they have gone, Paul Revere breaks down and weeps.

Boston, MA-June 2, 1875

Thomas Watson opens the door and says, "Bell, baby, wake up!"

Alexander Graham Bell puts his head under a pillow. "Christ! Will you please turn the fucking light off. My head feels like ass."

"Come on, man," Watson insists. "Busy day, busy day. Patents to file."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"The telephone, baby, that's what I'm talking about! Don't you remember?"

"Remember what ?"

Watson says, "Dude, last night? You invented the telephone?"

"Fuck off."

"No, seriously dude. You don't remember this shit? With the battery acid?"

"Jesus, I drank that shit? Someone must've dared me."

Watson says, "No, no, you spilled it on the transmitter cables."

"Shit dude, sorry," Bell says, "I was so trashed. What do you mean transmitter cables?"

"You know, we were experimenting with transmitting fluids that would help conduct the human voice over electrical wire by varying its resistance?"

Bell says, "Dude, what are you on ? Are you still loaded?"

"I'm serious dude, no joke. What's the last thing you remember?"

"I remember my fourth shot of Jager, then I remember, like, heading towards my office? The bathroom, maybe?"

"No, dude," Watson says, "it was your office, and you totally invented the telephone right after that."

"Oh, shit. "

"No kidding."

"Oh, shit! You better not be fucking with me. If you're fucking with me I swear I'll have your ass."

"I am so totally not fucking with you dude, you invented the fucking telephone ."

Bell says, "Awesome. Fucking awesome! If this isn't your usual bullshit, this is going to mean wonders for mankind. Now Watson, just do me one tiny favor?"

"Sure thing, boss."

"LOWER THOSE FUCKING SHADES!"

Berlin, Germany-January 31, 1939

A man stops Hitler in the street. He says, "Hey Adolf, old friend, how are you doing?"

"Fine thanks," Hitler replies. "Great day, no?"

"Sure, not as great as yesterday , I guess, but."

Hitler laughs, but seems confused. "Right, right."

"I mean, really, that was something . . . I couldn't believe my ears ."

Hitler laughs. "Right, I couldn't either!"

"Oh, seriously? So you weren't even planning on saying all that?"

"Saying all what?" Hitler asks.

"You know, at the Reichstag? About settling the   whole Jewish problem?"

  "What Jewish problem?"

"What Jewish problem? That's rich. No seriously, that one line-let me just see in the paper here-yeah, here it is, front page: 'If the international Jewish financiers in and outside Europe should succeed in plunging the nations once more into a world war, then the result will not be the Bolshevizing of the earth, and thus the victory of Jewry, but the annihilation of the Jewish race in Europe!"

"Oh shit , I said that?"

"Not so much said as bellowed . Before all of parliament! Don't tell me you were sleepwalking."

Hitler says, "Jesus-I mean, to tell you the truth . I had . . . I mean I had had a few mojitos . you know, it was the sixth anniversary of my coming to power and all that. they threw a party for me. I just . I guess I just overindulged a little."

"I'll say."

"God, the annihilation of the Jewish race ," Hitler says. "That sounds so unlike me. I just can't picture myself saying it."

"Oh, you said it alright, I think it's even on tape."

"Oh Christ. I really need to stop drinking so much. I hadn't even really thought about the Jews before. Some subconscious thing, I guess."

"I know how it is. I had a girlfriend with a drinking problem once. She was a handful."

"I mean, did people laugh at me?"

The man says, "Actually, no. It was quite well received."

"Jesus, that's a relief."

"Yeah. No, there was a lot of applause and everything."

"A lot of applause?" Hitler says. "Like massive applause?"

"Yeah, I'd say pretty much massive."

Hitler strokes his Hitler-mustache pensively. "Wow," he says. "That's interesting."

-Daniel   Maurer